Three Hundred and Sixty Five Days

October 20, 2007

Although being tired seems to have become a way of life for me, I experienced a significant increase in fatigue this past week. By early afternoon, it was all I could do to keep my eyes open at work. My speech was slurred and my voice was hoarse – both of which, in my case, are common symptoms of exhaustion. Every task I faced just seemed too hard. All I wanted to do was sleep, but my sleep was disrupted and not at all restful.

A couple of days ago, it struck me that my lethargy was the result of dread. What I was dreading was today.

It has been one year since my brother, Mark, died in a boating accident.

His body wasn’t found until November 15th. Those twenty-six days in between were the darkest of my life.

Today, the darkness threatens to envelop me once again. My heart hurts so much.

Oh how I miss you, Mark. I love you… forever.


Song of the Day: A song Mark loved – Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole

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23 Responses to “Three Hundred and Sixty Five Days”

  1. {{{{Hugs}}}} Stephanie. It’s funny how our bodies just “know” even though our minds are blocking things out. I go through this every year on both my Mom’s BD and the anniversary of her death. You’d think by now I would recognize it, but I don’t. I know that her death was in no way as traumatic as Mark’s was…but it is the only one I’ve had to endure (thankfully) that I can compare in the least to how you are feeling. It has been over 7 years and it still hits me. I just wanted to give you some hugs and to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers today (and always) {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

  2. Sasha said

    I wish I could send you a real hug right now. I know how much you need it.

  3. Melanie said

    I’m so sorry this happened to your brother, you, your family. You’ve all endured so much. (Hugs)

  4. Pam L said

    Thinking of you on this sad sad day.

  5. Carol said

    Sending you a hug and love.

  6. LA said

    Oh my dear, I was thinking so hard at you this morning but didn’t want to shatter any peace you might have had with a phone call and having to talk. Hope you and your sister will be okay together just doing what feels right. Love you very much. ~LA

  7. I’m holding you close in my heart.

  8. Holly said

    {{hugs}} I go thru something similiar every December 16, the anniversary of my dad’s death. I’ll be thinking of you.

  9. lisele said

    So, so sorry. What a beautiful man, what a tragic loss. I wish I were there to give you a hug.

  10. Shelia said

    When someone we love so very much is snatched away without time for goodbye…it is hard to even believe they are gone…You have to take the grief in little tiny pieces to make it through…My son Seth drowned in 2001 and was missing for 19 days…Each day grew darker as I realized he wasn’t coming home…My heart goes out to you…

  11. Joan said

    I started reading your blog around this same time last year – probably was sent here by LA because of all you were going through. A year – such a short time – or long time depending on your perspective. I wish you only peace during this sad anniversary. {{{HUGS}}}

  12. Eva said

    Take good care of yourself, please. You are strong and courageous.

    (from C, too)

  13. kitchenlogic said

    I’m so very, very sorry Stephanie.

  14. I am sorry that you are reliving this sad time again. I know it will always be on your mind during this time of the year. I still think of my mother every July and now it will be my dear SIL on November 16th….

    Hope you can figure out some peaceful way to celebrate his “being”.

  15. Sunday said

    Oh…I was wondering if you would be posting now or would be too tired/grieving, etc. Yep, your body KNOWS when it’s “that time” and man, does it ever kick your ass. Remember, get plenty of rest and don’t forget to actually do what you need to do–grieve, etc. Yeah, people can be stupid enough to say that it’s “been enough time”, etc. If you’re like me, you tell them to fuck off. If you’re normal, you’ll say something normal.

    But hey, I’m not telling you anything that you don’t know….whether or not you’ll put it into practice is another matter. You’d better! 😉

  16. Sunday said

    Damn WordPress! Ate my comment! I was thinking about you during this time and wondering how you were getting along.

    Okay, my comment was that your body knows (somehow) when anniversaries come around and man, do they show it! Sudden tiredness, aches and pains, depression, etc. I’m sure there’s a psychological term for it, but I can’t recall it. But most importantly, remember not to overdo! I speak from experience when I say that it usually ends horribly. Sometimes, putting your nose to the grindstone doesn’t always work. (When a professor spots you in an auditorium full of students and asks you what’s wrong after class, you know you shouldn’t have tried to go to summer school….but I digress.)

    Remember, plenty of rest and to grieve, etc., if need be.

  17. goatbarnwitch said

    I’m sooo sorry Steph {{hug}}

  18. Sunday said

    Damn WordPress! Ate my comment! I was thinking about you during this time and wondering how you were getting along.

    Okay, my comment was that your body knows (somehow) when anniversaries come around and man, do they show it! Sudden tiredness, aches and pains, depression, etc. I’m sure there’s a psychological term for it, but I can’t recall it. But most importantly, remember not to overdo! I speak from experience when I say that it usually ends horribly. Sometimes, putting your nose to the grindstone doesn’t always work. (When a professor spots you in an auditorium full of students and asks you what’s wrong after class, you know you shouldn’t have tried to go to summer school….but I digress.)

    Remember, plenty of rest and to grieve, etc., if need be.

    (This is what I tried to send yesterday, but it didn’t work. Damn you, WordPress!!!!!!!)

  19. Sunday said

    Son of a bitch! What’s going on with this crappy WordPress?!?!?!?

  20. Sunday said

    RYC: HA! I wonder if Comedy III (the Stooge-family run company) knows about this. I hope not, because it’s hysterical!

  21. Ian said

    Stephanie – so, so sorry about this. I hope the sadness will lessen every year, and wonderful memories start bubbling to the surface instead. Our thoughts are with you!

  22. "WCD" said

    I am just catching up as I have been slammed — and realized that it’s been a year. I am thinking of you. Loss is so hard. xoxox

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