Enough is Enough

A lot has happened since I last posted here.  Right before I went back to work in early September, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital.  She was there for quite some time, and it was touch and go for a while.  She ended up getting a pacemaker.  As you can imagine, that was a very stressful time.

Last month, I participated in our annual  “Dress Up As A Literary Character Day”  at work.  I went as Jacob Marley from A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens.  What a trip that was.

On Tuesday, the husband of a much loved co-worker died unexpectedly.  I went to the shiva house after work on Friday, and was dismayed to see how frail and fragile my co-worker looks.  She and her husband were married for 41 years, and they were incredibly devoted to each other.  My heart aches for her, as it does for my darling LA, her fiancée, and his family as they deal with the very recent loss of Mick’s grandmother.   Please keep them all in your thoughts and prayers.

A little over a week ago, my father had a total knee replacement.  At present, he is in a rehabilitation facility for physical therapy, which means that my 98 year-old grandmother is alone.  Michele, Mike and I have been running around like those proverbial chickens with their heads cut off.  I am beyond exhausted, and in extraordinary pain.  I don’t know how I’m going to walk to work every morning this week (Daniel is visiting his family in Canada)… The walk home isn’t too bad, but I am especially stiff and achy in the morning.  This is going to be very difficult for me.

Yesterday, Leigh had to go to a walk-in clinic because she thought she had a UTI. Turns out that she has an unusually high amount of protein in her urine, which the doctor said can be indicative of kidney disease.   He wants her to follow up with a urologist.

To top things off, Tuesday will mark the third anniversary of my brother’s death.

As I said on Facebook, my “downer” quota has been filled for the month.  No more, please.

Song of the Day:  Downer by Nirvana

It’s Not Easy Being Green

I had an appointment with Dr. Spine Specialist yesterday to review the results of my latest MRI.  I already knew that I have a herniated disc in my lumbar spine.  What I didn’t know is that I have three of them.  I also have quite a bit of arthritis, as well as a fair amount of scar tissue in the area of the discectomy that was performed back in 2004.  All of these things contribute to my lower back pain.

Dr. Spine Specialist mentioned surgery as an option, and warned me that it will be a more complicated procedure this time because it will involve spinal fusion.  Umm, no thanks.    Not unless I absolutely can’t bear the pain any longer.

Before I left his office, Dr. Spine Specialist gave me an autographed copy of his book.   Thanks, doc.  See you again in five months.

I can’t believe summer “vacation” is almost over.  I use the word “vacation” loosely because I didn’t do any vacationing this year.  What a bummer.  I did get to the beach on Monday, but it was just the Long Island Sound at Hammonasset State Park in Connecticut.  It was brutally hot, and, when I tried to go in the water to cool off, I had to turn back because the bottom was so rocky I was afraid I would lose my footing.  So, I sat there in the sweltering heat for four hours, and ended up with a sunburn, despite wearing a large straw hat and heavy applications of sunblock.   I’m really hoping to get to the ocean before I go back to work, but I’m not feeling very optimistic about that happening.

At least my daughter, Rebecca, got to go away on vacation.  She and her boyfriend just got back from a wonderfully adventurous trip to Mexico.

They snorkeled on the reef and in a cenote, saw the ruins of Tulum, and went zip lining and rappelling.

While I am truly happy for Becca, I also have to admit that I am green with envy.  Sigh.

Song of the Day:  It’s Not Easy Being Green by Kermit the Frog

Nokay

I received an email from Sunshyn this morning asking if I’m okay.  I appreciate her concern, but, the truth is, I’m not okay.  Here’s why.

1. Scary headache – Day 31 (not to mention all the other pain).
2. One of my sisters is in crisis, and she is at my house almost every day.  I want to be here for her, but it is draining and stressful, to say the least.
3. I still haven’t found out whether or not I’ll be working summer school, which starts on Tuesday.  It’s not looking good.  This is a potentially catastrophic situation, financially.  I am sick over it.

Song of the Day:  I’m Not Okay by My Chemical Romance

Sha na na na, sha na na na na

My brother, Mark, would have been 42 years old today.  These “significant days” are harder to bear than regular ones.  Mark’s twin, Mike, will have his own particular pain to deal with today.   My heart goes out to him, and to my parents and other siblings.  We all miss Mark so much.

As for physical pain, I’ve been suffering even more than usual lately.  The worst of it is that the scary headaches are back.  Living with chronic pain takes so much out of me.  By the time I get home from work, I’m too exhausted, both physically and mentally, to do much of anything.  Weekends aren’t much better, although I do push myself to get out of the house as much as possible.  It’s too easy to fall into a depression when I’m trapped inside for long periods of time.    It’s bad enough to be trapped in this pain-ravaged body.  I need all the distractions I can get.

Something else that is causing me stress (which adds to the pain) is that I will only be receiving one more paycheck until September.  This is quite disturbing because we can’t live on Daniel’s salary alone.   I applied for summer school about a month ago, and have been anxiously awaiting word about whether or not I got the job.

On Wednesday, My Friend informed me that she had received an email from the summer school principal informing her that she had been recommended to teach summer school.   I became distressed upon hearing that, and emailed the principal to ask if a decision had been made about the summer school Teaching Assistant position.  I reminded her that I have held the position since it was created, with the exception of the past two summers when I was unable to work because of back pain that was the result of a work-related incident.   (It should also be noted that the principal at the time the TA position was first created lobbied for it with me in mind.)

Ms. Summer School principal responded to my email by asking how many years I held the position, and saying that she has to check the “union issue.”  I suppose that means that the person who was assigned the position during the summers when I was unable to work has applied for it again this year.  However, it is my understanding that seniority is a factor, so I should get the assignment.  Also, I should not be penalized because I was unable to work due to an injury I sustained on the job.

I am a nervous wreck about this situation.  If I don’t get the summer school position, we are up the creek without a paddle.  Even if I do work summer school, it will only be 16 hours a week for six weeks.  We still won’t be able to make ends meet.  But, without that extra money, we will be in serious trouble.

All positive thoughts will be much appreciated.

Song of the Day:  Get a Job by The Silhouettes

Protected: No One to Blame But My Stupid Self

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Isabella, We Are Rising

Wednesday morning, My Friend asked me to act as a model for her Reflexology display at a Wellness Fair at a local college.  It was great.  I lounged on a zero gravity recliner chair wrapped in a blanket, getting my feet worked on.  It was so relaxing.

Afterwards, I paid a long overdue visit to my chiropractor, who said that my neck was in distress.  That would explain the horrendous headache I’ve been plagued with all week.  While the headache is not quite gone, it is more bearable.  It also helps that we’ve had a couple of days of decent weather.  Yesterday morning I put some pansies into porch planters.

In the evening, we went to dinner to celebrate Leigh’s birthday. My baby is 21.

As for Easter, at first we weren’t going to do anything. My sister, Michele, and I declared that Thanksgiving and Christmas are more than enough when it comes to hosting family gatherings. We refuse to bear the burden of another holiday. It would suit me just fine to stay home and try to mentally prepare myself for returning to work on Monday (I’m dreading it), but The Ex invited us to his place. Fortunately, it will be very low-key.

Rebecca is taking me out to lunch for Pad Thai this afternoon, so I’d better get back to what I was doing (moving the light clothing up and the heavy clothing down). Groan.

Song of the Day: Easter by Patti Smith (from which the title of which this entry comes)

Just Another Day in Paradise

I was dismayed to wake up this morning to find that the damn headache that clutched me in its agonizing grip all day yesterday is still holding me hostage. I’m hoping Doc Bill (my chiropractor) can help when I see him tomorrow…

In the meantime, I can’t do much of anything because the pain is so severe.  I’m wondering what happened to the “break” in spring break… I sure could use one, and here is where I’d like to get it.  This place is absolutely amazing!  If you don’t have Power Point, you can follow this link, but it’s not as pleasing an experience.  For the Power Point presentation, click on the page to advance the slides.  If you use the second link, click the next page button (>).  Enjoy!  I know I did!

Reading (re-reading, actually) The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck

Song of the day:  Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meatloaf

Hormone Zone

A couple of people wanted to know what’s going to happen to Lollipop now that her owner (my neighbor) has died.  I really don’t know.  Helen has a brother, so I suppose he or one of her friends has taken the cat.

Geez, LA, I thought my Gas & Electric bill was bad, but $1,300??  The horror.  Honestly, just the thought of that makes me shudder.  I’m not sure when this house was built – some documents say 1909 and others say 1910. All I know for sure is that it’s old and drafty.   I’d love to have the place insulated, but there’s no money for that (or much of anything else).

In other news, after not having been to the gynecologist for four years, I finally went today.  The main reason I made the appointment was to get a script for a mammogram.  I haven’t had one of those since 2002.  That’s very irresponsible of me, especially considering that I once had a lump removed surgically (after an unsuccessful needle biopsy).  When I woke up in the recovery room, the surgeon told me that the cell structure of the mass looked malignant, so she sent a sliver of frozen biopsy tissue for  “frozen section.”  (A frozen section provides a quick preliminary diagnosis.)  Fortunately, the results came back benign.

Dr. OB-GYN thought he felt something during the breast exam, and wants me to have a mammo ASAP.  I have an appointment for the 18th.

We also discussed my night sweats.  He said that the Hormone Replacement Therapy scare was greatly exaggerated, and recommends that I give it another try.  (I was on it briefly several years ago, but discontinued the therapy because my menopausal symptoms were pretty mild at the time.)

I’d be very interested in hearing about experiences any of you might have had with HRT, good or bad.

Song of the Day:  Estrogen by Kyle Riabko

She Had a Good Run

Before I get to the topic for this entry, I’d like to address a comment.  Fay asked if I meditate, or do any sort of ritual de-stressing each day.  Good question!  I have tried to meditate, but can’t seem to shut my brain down.  As for ritual de-stressing, I’m open to suggestions.  I’d also like to thank Sheryl for her comment.  It’s always good to hear from someone who has firsthand knowledge of what chronic pain sufferers have to live with.

Moving right along… I’m in a hurry because we have a snow day and I want to go back to bed.  I should probably stay up and tackle the multitude of things I have to do – taxes, FAFSA applications, clean the kitchen, etc., but this untreated sinus infection (I don’t believe the nonallergic rhinitis diagnosis is accurate.  The mucus is yellow, for crying out loud!) is getting the better of me.  Anyway, this is an excerpt from an entry I posted on January 8, 2006 on Diary-x:

Centenarian Coquette

Daniel and I went to a party for a friend’s grandmother who just turned one hundred years old.  You’d never guess her age. She gets all dolled up, and looks amazing. She’s sharp as a tack, too. Incredibly, this woman worked until the age of 94!

I can’t say I had a good time at the party, but it wasn’t bad, either. There were at least fifty people there, and I didn’t know any of them except for the host and his wife, so it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. We don’t like to leave Ellie in her crate too long (but can’t leave her unsupervised, either), so we had a good excuse to leave early.

One thing we did enjoy was the barbershop quartet that serenaded the 100-year old birthday girl. They were pretty good, but what made the experience even better was watching The Coquettish Centenarian’s reaction to the men as they sang to her. It’s good to know that a person can still be flirtatious even at such an advanced age. More power to her!

Yesterday, Daniel and I went to her wake.  Rest peacefully, Mildred.

Song of the Day: Coquette by Paul McCartney

Sick

Heartfelt thanks to everyone who left supportive comments about yesterday’s entry.  I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.  When I don’t know where else to turn, I can always count on this community to be there for me.

A couple of people mentioned antidepressants.  I’ve been on a few different kinds, but the side effects made me feel even more depressed.

You know that saying “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy?”  Well, that doesn’t apply here.  I do wish that every one who has ever been insensitive to my ordeal could experience what I have to live with every single day of my life.  Don’t get me wrong.  I wouldn’t wish anybody a lifetime of this nightmare, but a week should do it.

I’m quite sure that I handle this situation far better than some others would.  I make a Herculean effort to keep the complaining to a minimum.  Of course, I am human, so I do have to let it out now and then.  But, for the most part, I think I’m pretty good at keeping my agony to myself.

Dealing with insensitivity is another thing entirely.  I shouldn’t have to bear that on top of everything else.  It is so demeaning and makes me feel undervalued.  It also pisses me off.

I didn’t do anything wrong.  I didn’t ask for this.  If anything, I should be commended for the tasks I do tackle, even though those things cause a significant increase in pain.

I am so sick of it all.  Sick of hurting.  Sick of putting on the happy face.  Sick of being made to feel that I am lacking.  It’s just so… sickening.

Song of the Day:  Sick and Tired by Everclear

I break every day
Stressed out in every kind of way
I am sick and tired of bein’ sick and tired
All I need and crave
Loud life with the power to fade
I am livin’ ’cause I keep it all in, keep it all inside
Yeah, I keep it all in, keep it all inside